Vacation Bound!

i'm currently in the middle of packing every item of clothing i could possibly want to wear in the next 5 days into the smallest suitcase ever while including my sneakers, heels and flip flops. this is insane.

i am so wicked excited to be visiting my bestie again.

i'm super wicked excited to get away from my stupid stupid job.

i always get nervous about flying. i get afraid i'm going to forget something or not bring something i wanted to bring. i already know that there's a bunch of things i'm going to run out of time to do. i have to finish packing and folding and figure out what i'm going to bring for a carry on. tomorrow i've filled up every second of the day and then i leave. at 3 am, the day after st. patty's day. so crazy.
tomorrow i work 4 hours at the stupid stupid bank that i hate and then i'm done... for 5 days. from there i have to go to the gallery, finish up some of the projects i have going before the educational forum i organized for 5:30. i'm hoping there's some way i can get out of there but some one is going to have to close up shop. from there i'm finally going to hang out with my froomies ($2 margaritas! yippee!) and doing to st. patty's thing. on top of all this, my mom is supposed to be coming over and sleeping over so she can drive me in the morning which is always super stressful. i hate not being in control of these things. i wouldn't mind so much if i knew i would be on time and plane wouldn't leave without me.
i still don't know how i'm going to meet up with my mom. i had all these plans for presents for the little one which unless i some how get out of work early is going to be very hard to get accomplished. i'm not getting a cute green outfit for tomorrow. i don't know what i'm going to need in the morning still so there's so much to get done.
and it's really late now and i've gotten nothing more accomplished.

but i did have a really nice dinner with swood.

the boy currently refered to as mofo #1

i absolutely hate the boy.

i casually text hey just wanted to let you know i'm gonna be in your town tomorrow
him: =0 hit me up
me:i think i'm gonna be by tufts university. i don't know if i'll have my phone.
him: well that doesn't help
me (cutely): you could always just hang out at the finish line!

no response.

then me still putting in too much effort in the morning after the race...
i'm in davis square
still being dumb... and probably 3 ish beers in i called. he answered. i could barely hear him. i was in the bathroom at a bar. he said he might come out. i had to hang up on him cause i couldn't hear anything and we were leaving.
so i texted:
ok sorry i think i'm on my way to davis square. meet us there?
and again:
we're getting food at the joshua tree
and again:
and fl st is on
him: =P donnie just warmed up food - i think we're gonna finish the game here... only 6 min left
me (funnily): go duke! :D
him: we're no longer friends
me (semi drunk): shut up you. come visit me!
him: i don't want to play, i'm upset (? Florida State lost.. but still)
me: that's really lame. how often am i in somerville?
him: do you want to see my bank account? - i have to go buy crap and move into my room today
me: i'm not asking you to come and spend a zillion dollars. i'm just asking you to say hi.
him: i'm not gonna pplay find emily in somerville... and i'm trying to buy a bed at the moment.. how long are you gonna be around? (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?)
me: maybe another hour or two. i'm not hiding. i'm at joshua tree on elm. if you don't wanna meet me that's fine.
him: i have no idea where that is.. donnie is doing homework and i'm seriously trying to get a bed
me: that's fine. have a nice day.
him: please don't take it personaly.. sorry
me: no it's fine really. don't worry about it.


now i know that i was being pushy and ridiculous but i am so done with him now. i would expect more from my friends. i feel like i have friends that if i was around and i texted them then they would come out to meet me for a beer on a sunday. ridiculous.

i had a whole conversation about the butterflies too. cause that's the real reason i've had such high hopes for this situation. i mean i haven't felt butterflies since i was 16. but then i heard this story:
this woman that i ran with today told me that she had this guy that she saw once a year and it always got really excited to see him. one day they kissed. butterflies and all. it turned out he was married and a scumball. apparently butterflies mean nothing.
now i'm thinking maybe i only like him because he doesn't pay the attention to me that i get from other people.


butterflies suck.

SO EXCITED!

My first 5k is TOMORROW!!




YIPPPPPEEEE!!




and...


I leave for TEXAS in 4 days!!!!

the long awaited bryan edition

It all started out cute and sweet and maybe a bit creepy but he's kinda attractive so I wasn't so afraid. Maybe I should have been...

I guess it started way before I even knew he existed. Over the summer. I work two + jobs in Portsmouth on the same street so I’m constantly walking up and down the road. I tend to follow the same route just because well I’m not sure why I do it but I do. Never even thought of changing it. And because I was walking the same route at the same time I tended to see the same people. Not surprising.

Well what is surprising is months later I found out this one person that I saw on a regular basis actually noticed me and beyond that went out of his way to be outside right as I was walking by... and I had never said anything more than hi.

About August of this past summer, I was newly single, working a ton, always rushing from one job to the next and not really noticing my surroundings. He looked like a construction guy who wore flip flops.

It wasn't until mid December when he actually came into the bank to get some change for the restaurant that I even said anything to him. That apparently sparked him to open an account with us. That’s where he mentioned that he owned this new restaurant and asked why I hadn't been in yet. Still nothing too too weird.

That night at dinner I told my friend about this guy who opened an account and we both agreed that we should have our last Portsmouth dinner to celebrate her and her husband’s new house at four. It was my job to make the reservation.

I stopped in the next day on my lunch break. Nothing big. I had to run to the gallery and we were discussing the waterfront district marketing collaborative which was supposed to cover all state street businesses so I decided to kill two birds with one stone, mention the collaborative and make the reservation all while coolly stopping in to see the place. Well done, Emily.
Marketing, check. Tour, check. Reservation, check.
As I’m making the reservation he asks for my number, I give him a weird look. He’s like for completely professional reasons of course. I reply of course, give him the digits and don't think a thing more about it. Return to the bank and go about my day.

Well, I was doing the atms when he must have come in to get change or something cause I checked my phone and I had received a text from a new number. Actually I think I had received at least two. One saying that he didn't see me, the next saying who it was. I texted back that I was doing the atms. I feel weird leaving people hanging like that. He said I should stop by for a glass of wine after work... and I did. (Well hell what girl won't turn down free booze from a cute boy?!)

At first it was really cute. We were texting all the time, he told me how much of a crush he had had on me all summer and how he can’t believe how pretty I am or that he’d waited all summer for me to stop in the restaurant and that I was the reason why he opened an account at ocean. All the things I wanted to hear.

I’m not sure when exactly it started happening but it had to have been within that first week because it was before we actually had dinner there and I don't usually book dinner to far out. We were texting a lot, back and forth, kinda getting to know each other stuff, flirtatious, cute maybe on the boarder of sexual but just a hint. I mean who goes there with some one they've never even hung out with let alone kiss. He kept calling me trouble. I don't like that. Then he did tell me he was sorta seeing someone. Not boyfriend, girlfriend because he doesn't have time for that... but she knew about me and he thought it was fair that I knew about her. Fine whatever. Conversation over.


Or not.

The weirdest part about it is the things he would write to me. I mean things you definitely don't say unless you've already seen someone naked. I’m not going to get into specifics because I’m trying to keep this pg-13 but this was way way beyond that. But I was bored and these conversations were mildly entertaining and kept me busy for most of the day. It got to a point where I started to feel violated though. Like the only reason he wanted to talk to me was to talk dirty and I am way way more than that.

Dinner went fine. The food was good. It was a nice evening but I had to tell my friends what was going on. They were a bit freaked. Why would a guy act like this? What would start this? Why would he think this was ok? I don't get it.

I don't remember the exact specifics after that. We did continue to talk. I would constantly yell at him because he wouldn't make any effort to get to know me. I tried to get him to come to the gallery (I could throw a stick from my gallery to his restaurant and I can't throw anything... what's that tell you?) I would tell him that he made me feel like a hooker or a whore and he would counter that he would never even think that about me.

I can't even think about what happened the first time I actually saw his place. I’d obviously been drinking. He probably convinced me it was a good idea to come over and I definitely should not have been driving so I agreed. This happened three times. Things were never pg.

the texts continue. Although once they get to a point where he brings it to some place I don't want to go I stop texting. I didn't really talk to him for almost all of February. The conversations we did have were definitely taking a different route. I started to think he got it. Maybe it's just the type of person he is or what he's looking for, but it's not me.

O and I never ask about the other girl. I don’t know if there still is another girl. There could be plenty of other girls. Really. I only see him every once and a while. I thought for a moment something might actually come out of this but I’m feeling more like I just have a casual booty call. He’s very affectionate towards me, kisses my cheek, hugs me, holds my hand, and finds some way to touch me when we’re together. He also always introduces me to his friends. But not once have I spent time with him outside of one of our two workplaces. We’ve never been to a meal. He’s never been to the gallery. I see him at the bank, at the restaurant and in his apt. I’ve never even spent a day with him, just hours where I’ve either been drinking and need a place to crash or moments where we seem like normal people usually on my lunch break.

I kinda wish at some point maybe things will change and he’ll actually want to get to know me and hang out with me. He’s told me before that he wants to settle down and have a family and be happy. Via text. Then again this is coming from the same person who told me I would make a great porn star. Can’t you just be normal for once? Sheesh. He’s not the man of my dreams and I’m not going to treat it like that. This is what it is and that’s that. I should avoid him but for some reason whenever he texts I respond.

it's not you, it's me...

I promised the Bryan story was on it's way but that one will have to wait. Although it is getting rather lengthy. I'll have to get to it rather soon.



Right now... the Tyler update.



So it's currently Thursday evening. Thursday evenings for me are usually the same. I come home from work, pissed off that I've wasted yet another day, make dinner with Bill, start drinking (those two can be in either order) and then we go out in Durham with some friends because it's usually the only day of the week that both of us are home at the same time.



Well, this week was a bit different because dear Billiam has been super uber sick all week. Unlike last week where my week was endless in my going out and dinnering this week I've taken it rather easy, been home a lot more. I was the chauffeur to the hospital one day and the retriever of the ginger ale. Now these things haven't really put any strain on me but they are minor inconveniences. Thank you Bill.



Now Tuesday I had the greatest day ever. I got out of work early, my boss from my other job is on vacation, I had the most marvelous day planned out. Get up, get through these first 4 hours, go to the gallery, get that stuff done, go to the movies, run, go out to dinner. All of this was achieved marvelously. The weather was splendid. I went to the movies by myself for the first time ever which is actually mildly liberating. (like having a giant tv that's all yours..) My run was spectacular. I was overall in the greatest mood.



The minor speed bump: Tyler texted me. And he texted me like early on in the afternoon. The usual how's your day going blah blah blah then the question I've been dreading: do you want to go out to dinner with me Thursday? and then before I can counteract with an excuse and then we can go out to the bars afterward..



I can't be that person who just says no. I wish I was. Sometimes I really want to say it. I don't know what it is. Tyler is a really great guy. He does almost everything he says he's going to, he likes me more than I like him, I just feel like it's not worth the effort cause in all honesty I really don't feel anything for him. I went to go see He's just not that into you too and it was like o hello that's me with probably at this point too many guys. I always start off with intentions to be friends. Why can't the guys that you just want to make out with randomly be the guys that just randomly ONLY want to make out with you too? And not make it into anything more? On that note why can't the guys that I want more from want more from me too? (More from that later...)



So I text Bill for support, guidance and an excuse. He's none of the above. He tells me I should just be straight with him which I should be but that's going to be terrible. Instead I text him and tell him that Bill and I are going to do the usual. Make dinner at home, pregame and go out. Well that's all fine and glorious except for one thing. Tyler said that he's going to go out this Thursday too (aka tonight) and Bill told me he's having dinner with his dad and blowing Sean and I off. So now I know Tyler will likely text me tonight asking where I am and I'm going to have to either lie, tell him the truth that I'm home updating my blog or go out. I don't want to date. That's not true. I don't want to date him.




I wish there was an easier and less cliche way of saying it's not you it's me.

Sunday Sunday

i realize i usually post on sunday. i feel like the rest of the week is so hectic and sunday is my day for reflection.this week was no exception.

Ok so after the awkwardness with tyler sunday, drinking was too much monday with kailey to forget the fact that i've worked a job i hate for too too long... and so the week continued. tuesday i went out to mcmenemy's with billie to discuss work and what not. i got a job interview with this place that i just applied to last sunday for thursday which seems mighty mighty quick but whatever change is good. wednesday i had a marketing meeting which interfered with my dinner with scott to discuss our love dramas. never ending. although, he seems to be working out well. i finished that night up with a drink at bryan's place. that is a story in itself. that boy is a bundle of confusion. thursday after my interview, i went out with the usual crew.. unfortunately due to the previous thursdays extravaganza of a dover golf themed night, sean thought that he would use his time to try and convince me that dating mike (his friend) would be a fabulous idea. so much work. how do you tell your friend that his bestie isn't your type? friday i had to work art around town which was awesome because we're doing a college invitational which brings out a much younger crowd. thank goodness. plus mom came which she never does and we got to go out to eat. then i met up with ryan and co as well as the cohens etc to see tom's band play at the page. i hope i don't run into him anytime soon. ryan co. and i went EVERYWHERE. the page, legends (my first), we were going to go to d street but couldn't get in cause it was too late even after we ran there so we ended up at tjs. which brought me back to bryan's cause i wasn't really counting my drinks much. working saturday morning was super rough. then errands all day. i was supposed to run. didn't. dinner with jim to discuss how much i currently hate cody. which really isn't that much i'm just peeved that i put myself out there and he's being stupid about it. after all that chad (a friends cousin who's in a band) called to say he was playing at the blue mermaid but honestly i couldn't wait to just get home and sleep forever. i was in bed asleep by like 11:30. so unlike me.

and today seems like it's going on forever. it's not even 10 o'clock and i feel like it's gone on 24 hours already. i have done my laundry, cooked, cleaned everything twice, went shopping, showered and ran 4 miles. i'm ready for bed and yet i'm WIRED. i should read or something. idk. i just hope that next week is a little bit less. i have my first 5k in one week and i need to take this easy.

time to curl up in a ball with a good book. i'm thinking the four amendments. i need to realize that a certain someone's nonchalant attitude towards seeing me has nothing to do with me. argh!

10 stinkin Months

Yesterday Kailey and I celebrated our 10 monthiversery with the bank. The only way to do this was with margaritas. Lots of them. So much so that I ended up sleeping on her couch yet again. Which really wasn't so bad because I was kinda afraid I wouldn't be able to get out of my driveway again. I am so ready for winter to be over...








... and to have a new job.

Side Boys: Tyler Edition

I know it’s me. I must like the attention. And the drama but lately I’ve been having a lot of these side boys. Tonight was no different. Unfortunately for them my brain and my heart are else where but I continue to think that perhaps this will be different and something will change me.

Tyler came over tonight. I wasn’t expecting him until tomorrow. I actually wrote in my planner that he would be over tomorrow but he said that tonight actually worked better for him to which I had no excuse cause I had already admitted to being home doing nothing. Damn text messaging.

So I’m mini freaking out as he’s on the way over. It’s not even a long ride. He called 3 times before I answered because I was talking to Amy about the situation.

Back story: Tyler is a friend of Bill. Well sorta in a round about way I guess. Bill lived in a dorm with Jake, Sweden, Brian and other boys that I became friends with by association with Bill. (There are many many more stories here but maybe we’ll get into them later…) Anyhow, Tyler either lived on that floor or was somehow friends with them because at some point he came into the mix. Tyler is tall, loves basketball and sports, kinda awkward but always seems to do ok with the ladies. He’s not overwhelmingly attractive but I think the fact that he’s tall and everyone else isn’t so much gets him some where. His pros and cons are about even I guess. There’s more (there’s always more) but I don’t feel much like getting in to it.

Tyler and I have hung out a few times. This started on Super Bowl Sunday for some unknown reason. Maybe I was upset over Arizona losing, maybe I was slightly high and drunk because of the shenanigans that took place during the game, maybe I was just bored. Needless to say there was some kissing which I probably maybe may not have allowed otherwise. (I also later realized I have made out drunkenly with a number of these boys over time—stupid Emily--- it’s been a while but this isn’t looking good) But on the other side he’s a great guy and I really enjoy hanging out with him so the story doesn’t end there.

Post SB there was texting. Then there was bowling (another stupid Emily moment) on Yano’s birthday with Yano and the gang (which is dumb because Yano and I have gone out on a number of dates that have no resulted in any sort of kissing what so ever. No chemistry. He told me once he liked me cause I could carry on a conversation… not good). That resulted in us deciding we should watch a movie together (wall e) which happened but thankfully I was sick so this did not result in any further kissing. Another smooth move on the Emily front was when we went out the other weekend and I decided to have my brother tag along so there was no physical connection and Emily was very sober all night. (smart)

Tonight, not so smart. He came over to watch a chick flick ( I thought that would scare him away enough). Sex and the City. Probably not so good.. should have gone with Roman Holiday. No real adventure there. The movie was over before he tried to kiss me. I dodged it all through out the movie and was therefore tired of the dodge by this point.

It’s not so much that he’s a bad kisser. I think in having no relationship lasting over 2 months it must make it hard to learn the things people should know by this point. His lips were hard. He didn’t know what to do or when to do it. There are things about a girl that I guess are acquired knowledge that by this point should be learned that haven’t been. I don’t know where he’s been or with who I just know I do not want to be the poor soul that has to get this boy out from under his rock. Selfish I know but when you could have something better, why teach?

Needless to say it was an evening to forget and I’m writing it all down so hopefully I can. Why would I do this when there’s a perfect maybe boyfriend potential in the making? I’m not sure. I’m never sure. I guess I have to make all the possible mistakes before I can commit again. And I say this all having no idea if it’s even possibility to be with this other man. Gosh. This is where I get myself into trouble.

i like a boy

once upon a time a girl liked a boy...
gosh i hate new relationships... and boys who are non committal.


i met this boy at a mutual friends wedding in october. we had this ridiculously amazing night. the wedding was absolutely beautiful. set in florida off the coast of daytona.. the church was quaint in the middle of this lush garden walking distance from the water.he was the best man. and the absolute cutest guy at the place. we danced and laughed and did all the typical wedding shenanigans.


after the wedding we decorated the bride and grooms car and walked around talking about our life, our dreams, our ambitions. i knew i could be completely honest with him because honestly when was i going to see him again?

he held my hand. opened doors. i got butterflies when he finally kissed me.

after i came back home to nh. we still spoke a little bit. i tried to get him to come visit never thinking it would actually happen and kinda hoping it didn't so it could be perfectly preserved. he didn't come visit. we slowly stopped talking as much.


until he texted me one day at like midnight. he's moving to boston.

omg. i play it chill. cool. text me when you're settled maybe we can hang out.

que 2 weeks ago: "hey so when are you going to come visit?" umm.. well i work a lot. but i am going to be in mass this weekend maybe i'll be able to stop by saturday. "awesome you can come to this fuck valentine's day thing we're going to. " cool. (i forgot saturday was valentine's day... how single am i?)

we set it up. i was going over. he texted me a couple times throughout the week making sure i was still coming. yes. i was still coming. still mildly freaking out about it.

i got there late on saturday. it was kinda rush to see him. again he opened doors, carried things, introduced me to his friends, bought us drinks. perfect gentleman. i may have been a bit nervous and drank a bit too much.. we ended the night kissing on the couch. he called me sweetie and brought me water.

then i think i ruined it. the next day we stayed in and snuggled a bit. we watched movies. allllllllllll day. i was there forever. i left at 10:30 at night. i never felt like he wanted me to leave but i wasn't exactly feeling like he wanted me there. mixed signal central.

and now what?

well it's been 2 weeks since. i was going to ma again. i figured since my mom wanted me to ask him if he wanted to come over for dinner this would be a perfect time. i was there, i could pick him up and drive him to my parents, we could have dinner, come back to my place for drinks, he could crash here tonight, we could figure the rest out in the morning. i called him tuesday. he was hopefully hearing back from a job so he wasn't sure, he'd call me later in the week. friday afternoon lunch break: i decide since i will be leaving the next day i should probably call him.

the phone call: "hey i was just going to call you as i was leaving my apt"
me: "o really?" (how convenient?)
the call was basically a vent fest for him. he told me about his car, his insurance problem, his bank accounts, his lack of having a job, his possible returning back to fl. he was afraid if he came to my parents, he wouldn't be able to have a good time stressing out. i (stupid me) said that i could just stop by or something and maybe i'd bring him food or whatnot. i'd call him the next day.

i didn't call. i could have called. but i didn't.probably smart on my part.

i called today. he apologized for the other call. i apologized for not calling. he said it was fine. he knew i was busy. i (again stupid of me) told him i would make him and his roomies dinner as a payback.

i hate feeling like i'm pushing myself on someone and i'm not sure that's the problem. why does he like me more when i don't call and don't make time for him than when i put in effort to see him? what is wrong with me? why do i only like the guys who don't seem to like me? ugh. single life is rough.