i like a boy

once upon a time a girl liked a boy...
gosh i hate new relationships... and boys who are non committal.


i met this boy at a mutual friends wedding in october. we had this ridiculously amazing night. the wedding was absolutely beautiful. set in florida off the coast of daytona.. the church was quaint in the middle of this lush garden walking distance from the water.he was the best man. and the absolute cutest guy at the place. we danced and laughed and did all the typical wedding shenanigans.


after the wedding we decorated the bride and grooms car and walked around talking about our life, our dreams, our ambitions. i knew i could be completely honest with him because honestly when was i going to see him again?

he held my hand. opened doors. i got butterflies when he finally kissed me.

after i came back home to nh. we still spoke a little bit. i tried to get him to come visit never thinking it would actually happen and kinda hoping it didn't so it could be perfectly preserved. he didn't come visit. we slowly stopped talking as much.


until he texted me one day at like midnight. he's moving to boston.

omg. i play it chill. cool. text me when you're settled maybe we can hang out.

que 2 weeks ago: "hey so when are you going to come visit?" umm.. well i work a lot. but i am going to be in mass this weekend maybe i'll be able to stop by saturday. "awesome you can come to this fuck valentine's day thing we're going to. " cool. (i forgot saturday was valentine's day... how single am i?)

we set it up. i was going over. he texted me a couple times throughout the week making sure i was still coming. yes. i was still coming. still mildly freaking out about it.

i got there late on saturday. it was kinda rush to see him. again he opened doors, carried things, introduced me to his friends, bought us drinks. perfect gentleman. i may have been a bit nervous and drank a bit too much.. we ended the night kissing on the couch. he called me sweetie and brought me water.

then i think i ruined it. the next day we stayed in and snuggled a bit. we watched movies. allllllllllll day. i was there forever. i left at 10:30 at night. i never felt like he wanted me to leave but i wasn't exactly feeling like he wanted me there. mixed signal central.

and now what?

well it's been 2 weeks since. i was going to ma again. i figured since my mom wanted me to ask him if he wanted to come over for dinner this would be a perfect time. i was there, i could pick him up and drive him to my parents, we could have dinner, come back to my place for drinks, he could crash here tonight, we could figure the rest out in the morning. i called him tuesday. he was hopefully hearing back from a job so he wasn't sure, he'd call me later in the week. friday afternoon lunch break: i decide since i will be leaving the next day i should probably call him.

the phone call: "hey i was just going to call you as i was leaving my apt"
me: "o really?" (how convenient?)
the call was basically a vent fest for him. he told me about his car, his insurance problem, his bank accounts, his lack of having a job, his possible returning back to fl. he was afraid if he came to my parents, he wouldn't be able to have a good time stressing out. i (stupid me) said that i could just stop by or something and maybe i'd bring him food or whatnot. i'd call him the next day.

i didn't call. i could have called. but i didn't.probably smart on my part.

i called today. he apologized for the other call. i apologized for not calling. he said it was fine. he knew i was busy. i (again stupid of me) told him i would make him and his roomies dinner as a payback.

i hate feeling like i'm pushing myself on someone and i'm not sure that's the problem. why does he like me more when i don't call and don't make time for him than when i put in effort to see him? what is wrong with me? why do i only like the guys who don't seem to like me? ugh. single life is rough.